...cliffs...

I face my cliffs, nodes, resisting the dragging and cutting with my own devices...trying to live by my beliefs...in the most difficult moments, I remember me telling myself ' I want somebody to give me directions! why am I so stupid? what is it I don't understand??...and then, I quit fighting, swimming against the tide...that was crucial - letting myself go, completely and no delays...but, it is so difficult to go on like that...not frantically holding on to quasi-important things, objects, people..because living like that...frantically...we fight against our life, ourselves...

it's morning, I am sitting in the garden, it's still cold, dewy...birds are singing as the sun is lazily creeping through the haze...I prepared myself some coffee, strong...I need it...

there is still a tear in the corner of my eye, the knot in my throat is slowly easing up...I cried, it has been I while...yesterday evening I remembered everything...not the things or the events, more the swirl of my feelings, emotions...me, as down to earth as it gets, I love footholds, am brought down by this intensive questioning... I run into an unknown light, jumped again from my cliff and I have been dragged into the depths...
phases, changes, pain, insight...
...am I sincere in my 'awakening'? how real is that???...there are innumerable question marks in front of me...I still doubt my 'shallowness', rethink my actions...are all my words just empty phrases?? are my eyes and heart really open and how much...or is this fake too like the fake glitter of LCD screens and mega, hyper stores that surround us in the fake reality...am I really like that or is this just how I present myself??? every new message discovers new cognition...I already said that I have always known all of that, I have always felt it...but, written, spoken words are heavier than thoughts...anyway, I can steer my thoughts in any direction, in this way they lead me to something that I have been avoiding consciously/unconsciously, forgetting, not seeing, not wanting to see...emotions start flowing...actually, the most difficult thing to do is to get our thoughts, words and actions to be real and part of the whole...

in life, some people will come to 50m of the end of the cliff and construct their life there, not knowing what's hidden around them...others will come to 10m and know that over the edge there is something unknown, but still chose to live in safety, glancing at the unknown expanse...there are some that come to the edge and decide not to live in fear (of themselves) and jump...into life
Of course I'm scared, but I have to reject any kind of unfounded fear and believe only in the primordial and intuitive that warns me of the real dangers...

this peeling myself like an onion, rejecting one layer after another, to come deeper, to the heart, to the spring...and look, I have passed a long time ago my imaginary limit of written communication...could it be I've grown after all?? :(

...the sea...

'Listen. Here comes the one that cleanses and calms. And after him nothing is the same.

That is why it's time for changes. Grab your coat and get going and let the wind take you.

 And don't be afraid of changes, because they are good, they bring happiness in your life.

Learn to accept them and you will see that flying with the wind is easy.'

I'm still swimming...last year was different, I was different...last year my peak was to swim to the open sea and float, as long as I could...

7 a.m....still sleepy, I would plunge into the fresh morning sea...in this silence, infinity, sun...the only sound to be heard was the gurgle... of the tip of my toes passing through water, daydreaming...eyes closed...the smell of salt, the sound of the water vibrating...eyes open, the blue sky as background...peace, quiet, meditation...no questions, the answers would either way impose themselves...the early morning sea background of intensive colors, smells, and most of all silence...me, a creature that seems to watch the scene and myself for the first time..no past, future...life just 'existed'... I 'was'...this would last for an hour, an hour and a half, I would leave when the first bathers arrived.

This was a moment in my life when I didn't need people...when I wanted to be alone with myself...

that summer one song was the only thing that could get to me, that I 'recognized', the only thing I needed...I might say...an infusion of life in me, so empty, so elementary...at that time I could only let myself go to the vibrations that hit me to the core...

that was the summer of surrendering myself to sea, to life, to healing...a summer of complete loneliness and silence...a period of reassembling myself, of feeding, healing the physical and spiritual shock, and inhaling life into a broken creature

a different me appeared this summer...the place and the time still the same (I value silence incredibly), but the story is different...I want to swim for as long as I can, as much as I can...it's another type of meditation, active...swimming goggles, my head immersed in water...through the curtain of the water gazing at the sky...and I move...I feel my strength raising and slowly focusing...I love and want people around me...this summer was different...I moved, turned to other things...all that is left is identifying wishes, needs and more importantly...letting myself fulfill them...

I don't know why the sea fascinates me so much, but sometimes what I would like best is to drown of happiness, hold my breath forever...I enjoy this fantasy for a while, but then I go back to reality...even though I would sometimes drop an anchor at 5m depth and lie down at the bottom eyes fixed on the sky, watching the sun rays diffracting on the surface...

and now the sea turns cold...the cold that refreshes the body, that pinches the skin, that cuts the brain...

once you crash into a wall driving in 5^th gear, you collect your pieces all around and then you (literally) lick your wounds...but, at the same time you get to know yourself the way you never let yourself before...now I can recognize all the fazes of the recovery of soul...I vividly remember the moment when I wished to 'return' among people and when I let the little devil guide me...the one that I successfully silenced in the years before this...from then on I have allowed myself a lot of things...first of all I let myself rediscover the things that really make me happy and make the real me...

as if, after all, I was 'reborn' more true and more wise, more me then ever before...I would dare say 'animal'…thirsty of life...