everything now flows, almost out of control, from me, too intensive...as if I lived in a parallel dimension.
And all, really all, becomes too strong in intensity. More than ever. My sorrows are the saddest, my joy is the happiest, colors and smells the most intense...
despite everything, all the inner turmoils, I dare say that I’m now in harmony with myself, with the least conscious thinking, with the most abandonment, with most life...
and this harmony started tearing me apart in the least important moments of silence with the most strange revelations...
and...there is too much of me...everywhere, in everything...
I fall apart...usually in the morning. When the silence in and around me is the strongest, when I hear myself the most loudly. It repeats all the more often, stronger.
My new high and low tides are drastic, almost cataclysmic...I fall deep, the abyss waits for me...with arms wide open forever, always ready for me, for the moment when, from the corner, cunningly waiting those poisonous thoughts lead me to the sidetrack...cling onto me and deny my breath, they threaten to take me into them again...when the only thing I can do is to lose myself in the most simple thing, like a child...I just want to stop thinking...to regain my strength and take a deep, almost meditative breath...and to move forward again, no looking back...
and then, I rise even more high, to heights undreamed of ...while the silences are so deafening, painful...all is gushing out like a wave...canalizing everything through me is strong, intense...too quick...my hands are wounded, I am drowning and trying to swim, stay on the surface, in the disproportion of wishes and possibilities, longings and reality...
but not to think is hard for me, opposite, upstream...I need a lot of strength for that...which source can I take it from?
'O god, why did you give me a heart that continuously longs for the distance and beauty of unseen places?...o god, why all the pain of the ever thirsty and ever conscious 'me'?'
Wednesday 27 October 2010
Sunday 3 October 2010
...mirrors...
I've mentioned mirrors, our reflection in the eyes of others, our picture we see in their eyes...sometimes I think of the epithets with which I sometimes adorn myself so easily, which I give myself in some moments...I create a picture of myself, but, am I really like that? Or is this just the presentation of my idyllic shiny side, maybe me as I would like to be...once, when I grow up
As much as I want to look at people openly, purely...I still surprise myself. How can somebody really surprise me? And why? That means that I actually have some kind of picture, some expectations towards a certain person which are broken up by its actions, behavior...is this something I can get rid off in my life? Can we embrace something with a glance? Or will we forever just see a part?
My almond tree is beautiful when I look at it from the doorstep, I enjoy it...but I don't recognize it when I am come from the village. I know it is there, I suppose, it should be there...just, it looks different. The perspective has changed and it seems to have lost everything for which I know it, love it. But it's still the same old almond tree, that has been there for decades.
Do we do the same thing with people as well? Do we only see what we want to see? Do we want to be something we are not? Do we want others to be something they are not?
From within us it is possible to pull out so much that sometimes I am afraid of this wideness and infinity. How to cope with this whole specter? Different people, different approaches, they all awake in us different emotions, behaviors. And we usually surround ourselves with the mirrors that fit us. Is everything really so idyllic? Is it good for us? Or do we choose only the mirrors that show just our perfection, our good sides, one 'counterfeited' version of us?...do we go with the grain of our ego?...something we can endure without too much effort, without getting actively involved...in ourselves? Every medal has two sides. Do we know how to cope with our dark side? Should we do just the opposite? Should we surround ourselves with those brutal, distorted mirrors...mirrors that show the side that we would like to hide, maybe even pretend it doesn't exist (although we all know that we are not always peaches and cream)...so that we don't forget our dark side, that we stay aware of its eternal presence and those bad characteristics...
I am actually everything...insolent and polite, lethargic and energetic, rational and hysterical, warm and cold, boring and funny, cruel and gentle, brave and coward, strong and weak, curious and indifferent...I could make a long list...full of brusqueness, impudence, rage, wickedness, selfishness, envy and other negative things...I don't want them, but they are here, in me, present and I accept them as constituent part of me. Although, I have no time to live with them...anyhow, they are in me...every now and then they remind me they are here. But, aren't we all like that?...as how would we know that darkness is really darkness if it doesn't have a spot of light?...and then the measure of all this traits makes our personality...
how to behave then? How to tame the 'beast'? Can you train it consciously? And why do we forget so easily?
Always, as hard as it is being near people or in moments that awaken those unwanted, maybe even unacceptable things, we must know how to keep our balance, our equilibrium...know ourselves. It is easier to give wide breath to them, but...where does a life full of detours lead? Is getting to know ourselves as much as we can, getting to know our emotions the key to a good, quality life?
Anyway I think that all we run into in life has its meaning, its purpose...for our growth as human beings...no, we don't accept them always, sometimes we understand them less...but everything at the end comes to its place, something we need so much...go with the flow...with wide open eyes, hands, heart..can I do it?...and as much as it sounds familiar, it's still not easy to say it, let alone live it...probably it will never be
but if we don't live a large specter of our emotions, our possibilities, we actually suppress our 'awkward' parts, we live like a plant in a green house, in controlled conditions, we live just a part of us...and we know that the plants of nature, the wild plants (I can call them plants with a soul, real primal soul and 'knowledge' of the whole world) they survive extreme conditions much easier...and in these conditions they irradiate their energy, aroma, giving unselfishly...and they can survive with minimal needs, they withstand...they survive, always full of themselves...using and needing always all their possibilities
'Not taking what was given to you, is to punish yourself. Not acting when the time comes, is to destroy yourself.'
...I live in a big 'now', I forgot my past, I don't know the future...and although I don't know them anymore, I know, I feel that so many things I lived were so difficult for me...and that there are days when the amazon in me shuts up, hides, disappears or doesn't want to appear, had enough of everything and everybody...when I lose the grain of courage, craziness, spontaneity...and every time I think that I have reached my limits, that I can't take it anymore, that I'm choking, that I'm tired, very tired, too tired of everything, that I will turn into a rock for how hard I am...and now I realize that I have become even more soft, pliable and lighter...that I am a combination of everything...that I have all the beautiful things of this world in me and that I don't have to be scared...of myself...and the amazon reincarnates, in its full strength...and again I want to erase all the borders, the anchors that keep me stuck, restrain me, to be even more free, bold, better...readier to move forward
As much as I want to look at people openly, purely...I still surprise myself. How can somebody really surprise me? And why? That means that I actually have some kind of picture, some expectations towards a certain person which are broken up by its actions, behavior...is this something I can get rid off in my life? Can we embrace something with a glance? Or will we forever just see a part?
My almond tree is beautiful when I look at it from the doorstep, I enjoy it...but I don't recognize it when I am come from the village. I know it is there, I suppose, it should be there...just, it looks different. The perspective has changed and it seems to have lost everything for which I know it, love it. But it's still the same old almond tree, that has been there for decades.
Do we do the same thing with people as well? Do we only see what we want to see? Do we want to be something we are not? Do we want others to be something they are not?
From within us it is possible to pull out so much that sometimes I am afraid of this wideness and infinity. How to cope with this whole specter? Different people, different approaches, they all awake in us different emotions, behaviors. And we usually surround ourselves with the mirrors that fit us. Is everything really so idyllic? Is it good for us? Or do we choose only the mirrors that show just our perfection, our good sides, one 'counterfeited' version of us?...do we go with the grain of our ego?...something we can endure without too much effort, without getting actively involved...in ourselves? Every medal has two sides. Do we know how to cope with our dark side? Should we do just the opposite? Should we surround ourselves with those brutal, distorted mirrors...mirrors that show the side that we would like to hide, maybe even pretend it doesn't exist (although we all know that we are not always peaches and cream)...so that we don't forget our dark side, that we stay aware of its eternal presence and those bad characteristics...
I am actually everything...insolent and polite, lethargic and energetic, rational and hysterical, warm and cold, boring and funny, cruel and gentle, brave and coward, strong and weak, curious and indifferent...I could make a long list...full of brusqueness, impudence, rage, wickedness, selfishness, envy and other negative things...I don't want them, but they are here, in me, present and I accept them as constituent part of me. Although, I have no time to live with them...anyhow, they are in me...every now and then they remind me they are here. But, aren't we all like that?...as how would we know that darkness is really darkness if it doesn't have a spot of light?...and then the measure of all this traits makes our personality...
how to behave then? How to tame the 'beast'? Can you train it consciously? And why do we forget so easily?
Always, as hard as it is being near people or in moments that awaken those unwanted, maybe even unacceptable things, we must know how to keep our balance, our equilibrium...know ourselves. It is easier to give wide breath to them, but...where does a life full of detours lead? Is getting to know ourselves as much as we can, getting to know our emotions the key to a good, quality life?
Anyway I think that all we run into in life has its meaning, its purpose...for our growth as human beings...no, we don't accept them always, sometimes we understand them less...but everything at the end comes to its place, something we need so much...go with the flow...with wide open eyes, hands, heart..can I do it?...and as much as it sounds familiar, it's still not easy to say it, let alone live it...probably it will never be
but if we don't live a large specter of our emotions, our possibilities, we actually suppress our 'awkward' parts, we live like a plant in a green house, in controlled conditions, we live just a part of us...and we know that the plants of nature, the wild plants (I can call them plants with a soul, real primal soul and 'knowledge' of the whole world) they survive extreme conditions much easier...and in these conditions they irradiate their energy, aroma, giving unselfishly...and they can survive with minimal needs, they withstand...they survive, always full of themselves...using and needing always all their possibilities
'Not taking what was given to you, is to punish yourself. Not acting when the time comes, is to destroy yourself.'
...I live in a big 'now', I forgot my past, I don't know the future...and although I don't know them anymore, I know, I feel that so many things I lived were so difficult for me...and that there are days when the amazon in me shuts up, hides, disappears or doesn't want to appear, had enough of everything and everybody...when I lose the grain of courage, craziness, spontaneity...and every time I think that I have reached my limits, that I can't take it anymore, that I'm choking, that I'm tired, very tired, too tired of everything, that I will turn into a rock for how hard I am...and now I realize that I have become even more soft, pliable and lighter...that I am a combination of everything...that I have all the beautiful things of this world in me and that I don't have to be scared...of myself...and the amazon reincarnates, in its full strength...and again I want to erase all the borders, the anchors that keep me stuck, restrain me, to be even more free, bold, better...readier to move forward
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