everything now flows, almost out of control, from me, too intensive...as if I lived in a parallel dimension.
And all, really all, becomes too strong in intensity. More than ever. My sorrows are the saddest, my joy is the happiest, colors and smells the most intense...
despite everything, all the inner turmoils, I dare say that I’m now in harmony with myself, with the least conscious thinking, with the most abandonment, with most life...
and this harmony started tearing me apart in the least important moments of silence with the most strange revelations...
and...there is too much of me...everywhere, in everything...
I fall apart...usually in the morning. When the silence in and around me is the strongest, when I hear myself the most loudly. It repeats all the more often, stronger.
My new high and low tides are drastic, almost cataclysmic...I fall deep, the abyss waits for me...with arms wide open forever, always ready for me, for the moment when, from the corner, cunningly waiting those poisonous thoughts lead me to the sidetrack...cling onto me and deny my breath, they threaten to take me into them again...when the only thing I can do is to lose myself in the most simple thing, like a child...I just want to stop thinking...to regain my strength and take a deep, almost meditative breath...and to move forward again, no looking back...
and then, I rise even more high, to heights undreamed of ...while the silences are so deafening, painful...all is gushing out like a wave...canalizing everything through me is strong, intense...too quick...my hands are wounded, I am drowning and trying to swim, stay on the surface, in the disproportion of wishes and possibilities, longings and reality...
but not to think is hard for me, opposite, upstream...I need a lot of strength for that...which source can I take it from?
'O god, why did you give me a heart that continuously longs for the distance and beauty of unseen places?...o god, why all the pain of the ever thirsty and ever conscious 'me'?'
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