...weights...windmills...

being flexible, as life can at any time turn into an unexpected path...
but, let me go back to roles...
roles, feeling guilty...obligations, expectations...should I call all of it weights??
all of this chains us and weights are hanging from us, some heavier, some lighter, we put some on by ourselves, some others are being put on us on our way...is there a person with none? how would such a person be?
However...why do weights have only negative connotations? we bond ourselves with our weights, what we are...morally, socially, humanely...
each one of us in life plays and acts some role...consciously-unconsciously, some imposed by others, some self-imposed, sometimes we act less, sometimes more...simply, we don't show our real face...we don't even recognize it ourselves every time...just by belonging to a society, culture, we behave as expected by it...all that is unique in a person is denied and we drown in the masses...from the beginning we are subtly directed towards a way of specific expectations, roles and denying what we really are...it's hard indeed to lift the burdens of expectations towards others and ourselves...and when we don't fulfill our expectations, we live supposing and expecting something from somebody, and at the same time we don't want to be put into the same frames in which we so easily put others...
roles take over our lives, we live a matrix...we identify with this roles, we embrace them as an inseparable part of us and we accept as a dogma that our lives have meaning only through such an identification...easily forgetting that we are so much more than the things we identify with and how we proclaim ourselves...what do names, surnames and professions mean...do we become different, others if we change all of that (name, profession, address...)??
and then, in one moment, you see that your thoughts fly in so many directions, and that you can't relate just to the linear life that they are offering you, stating that this is the only possible and 'right' (we only miss they telling us that it's scientifically proven), not to be satisfied with that and if you are lucky enough, if you have courage= craziness to chose the byway to self-cognizance...when you know that you are traveling alone, rarely running into somebody, but you rejoice truly when you do so...the path where you choose the speed, even the direction because it is not different, it's like a highway others use...it's somewhere here, present, but indefinite (because everyone has its own) and allows interventions...you frequently stumble, you fall...and you have nothing to grab but yourself...while you have to function in the reality in which you exist bodily, physically, because, after all, you are just a person (to join the apparently incompatible, to conciliate this two disproportions, two worlds...actually, you learn that on your way, because nobody teaches you the infinite possibilities of life)...and then you partly start taking on roles on purpose, depending on the need...now you pay attention not to let the role take over your life and not to loose yourself on the way...and you know your essence is always present...regardless of all the losses-gains, when roles fall one after the other...it always here...omnipresent and permeating
yes, it's true that vanity and ego win over the real meaning of every loss, a lesson you get as a present...and every time you learn again, you recognize, you re-live, you survive and move on...a process that lasts as long as we do, when you keep learning all over again that it is still you...sometimes somewhat stronger, sometimes weaker...but YOU
vanity and ego that always undermine that core, they easily make you miss, wonder away...and you need to listen each time, keep learning, opening...
there you go, I've wandered away again, I wanted to say a thing or two about windmills...but, so much is bursting out that I've been asking myself for a while now 'is this me, too?'
so, you act out yourself the way others see you and perceive you, then you loose yourself somewhere along the way and you don't know anymore where the dividing line between you and your role is...and we take on roles as we put on clothes, depending on the occasion...you know what each situation presupposes and you just adapt...and you blame everybody else because you are miserable, unsatisfied, but you don't want to change because of your ego and vanity...the real truth is that we can only change ourselves and that the real treasure lies in accepting any person for what he truly is, unconditionally, without disapproval, changing, because we can only mold ourselves, get to know, wake up, direct...another utopia? The unconditional and all present weighing of relationships (who gives-takes more, works better-worse, correctly-wrongly...) and so on all life long...we are only humans after all...
and no matter where we live, in a 10-million city or in the country, we are all the same and the windmills (ooo...finally the windmills!!) are omnipresent..in us..but, why 'fight' (I don't like this word and I'm trying to avoid it because it makes me think of losing and winning-whereas in life there is no losing or winning, it's all part of the process) them?
Windmill will be windmills, we will be we and nothing we can do can transform the windmills into something else, not even move them by an inch...they have their role and purpose...can we, in our lives come to the point where we can accept them with love and wisdom as part of the organization of life??
it somehow makes sense to me to act on things that I can influence, I don't want to waste my energy on the ones that I can't influence, in vain, rooting the unrootable...when so many 'trifles' that are imploring to be noticed, I guess the forest makes us not see the trees...I can't influence the rain, it will or will not fall...I can just choose a colorful umbrella or a raincoat and...enjoy it...cease that moment of the day...
for our ego it is easier and makes more sense to spend life 'correcting' and 'pointing out' somebody else's mistakes and faults instead of looking into ourselves with that penetrating look that unveils us completely...
that brings us to the next question...who do we fear to be revealed/unrevealed to? others or ourselves?
...you need courage to look into yourself the way you really are and accept yourself as you are, regardless of the reflections of all the people (mirrors) that surround you and look at yourself with your own eyes, not with the eyes of others...
but this demands a new topic, on mirrors and reflections

...roles...

the sun burst out, the air changed...
hmmm roles, stakes, burdens??? changing is natural...the moment when we want to release and leave that little something that doesn't lift us anymore, doesn't satisfy us and find, take something new, different...something that helps us move a little further and that forces us to become a better person...idealistic? Maybe, but I like this line of thought...when you surround yourself with things and people that drag all those good things out of you...that you didn't even know you had, you could use...no matter if this makes you fit into the given frames...because anyone has its maximum potential and is happy if at the end of life can look back and realize that no matter all the 'mistakes', wrong decisions...(how can a decision be wrong when you always take them in the your best interest?...if you do something wrong, you must know how to look behind it, to the real reason...the saying 'you learn form mistakes' is not useless, and so...it depends on how long it takes to learn...maybe once, maybe all life long?)...lived a good life, right for yourself...but, let's go back to changes, even if I don't know how to recognize the right time for changes, expanding (the role)...reading the signs that I run into on my way...if I am bogged down for too long...that something will stop me with any means)...it's mine to learn to recognize as soon as possible...now I listen more often to the impulse that jells to me rather than whispers 'I want to do this'...I certainly hope that this is the pre-experiencial knowledge in my spirit, intuition... (or I'm screwed) anyway our limits are where we put them (I always put them closer – to be sure, but now I move them...I'm like a rabbit in a cabbage field)...we choke as much as we don't allow ourselves to breathe...once you venture high above the clouds where the sun always shines, it's difficult to settle for that kind of life, sterile and calculated...beneath, where you have to wait for...I don't know, God's mercy for the clouds to move apart, to enjoy the sun...you simply strive to be above them for as long as it gets, in the glare of the sun and to wait is not an option, but you act to achieve it...I don't state that we will not catch wrong flights in life, the ones that will not brake the clouds, or flights that will land very quickly...but nevertheless, I hope to catch as many as I can, longer or shorter...
I think that my strongest fear in life is this sterility and calculated living...my stake in life is my presence in it...because what kind of life is one that I don't give myself into because I fear that everything will disappear in due time...I learn every day not to think about the future as a picture where I should be...my every decision takes me a step forward and I always decide in my best interest...and see where it takes me...if a time comes when something specific disappears from my life I will be sad, I might want to die (like many times before)...but I will embrace that feeling, live through it and then let it go and move on
I can loose everything, but I don't want to lose myself again...I try to be true and honest to myself...now I do things just because I can, just like a child...and the learning process is never-ending and doesn’t allow us to lull into a false feeling of certainty

always be flexible...