...wounds, cracks...

I don't like to look in the mirror, I never have...(I could not connect the reflexion with myself) I was not myself in there...the unknown reflection in the cold and precise surface, on the other side the ethereal spirit...and now it came back as a boomerang...looking at my reflection every day and almost forcing myself to accept, connect...finally harmony? Actually yes, whatever it means.
I wonder whether I was really in such a discrepancy with myself and that is why my new look is now sealed? As much as I don't want it, an attack to my vanity, ego...I will deal with it, I can...damn it, I can do so many things...maybe I will once forget this 'diversity', get used to myself completely...I might say that even now I accept myself like that, but maybe I am still somehow comforting myself...I don't pity myself, I don't value people that do that...I respect people that take part in their lives, act, change it, themselves...sometimes when my vanity speaks I wonder whether I just had to be so physically marked, outside...but, it turns out that this is my crack, my pomegranate wound through which all my 'treasure' comes yearningly out, pouring out like a torrent...maybe I would have never understood this message of life if it wasn't for this lesson and an everlasting reminder...which brings me back again and again to the important things in life and 'nevermore'...of all the things of my past life I only miss my smile...'nevermore' like that...although the one I have now is sweet-sounding, happier, more 'mine'...

the first Adam's Rib started because of me, to take me out of my shell, shock, incubator, to fullfil my emptiness...the theme auto-portrait, women...an the great courage to take a look in the mirror, see the picture, feel yourself sincerely, no lies, hiding...and show yourself without fear...the way you really are, in this exact moment...and let the torrent pour out and take its way...unstoppable.

...high and low tides...

everything now flows, almost out of control, from me, too intensive...as if I lived in a parallel dimension.

And all, really all, becomes too strong in intensity. More than ever. My sorrows are the saddest, my joy is the happiest, colors and smells the most intense...

despite everything, all the inner turmoils, I dare say that I’m now in harmony with myself, with the least conscious thinking, with the most abandonment, with most life...

and this harmony started tearing me apart in the least important moments of silence with the most strange revelations...

and...there is too much of me...everywhere, in everything...

I fall apart...usually in the morning. When the silence in and around me is the strongest, when I hear myself the most loudly. It repeats all the more often, stronger.

My new high and low tides are drastic, almost cataclysmic...I fall deep, the abyss waits for me...with arms wide open forever, always ready for me, for the moment when, from the corner, cunningly waiting those poisonous thoughts lead me to the sidetrack...cling onto me and deny my breath, they threaten to take me into them again...when the only thing I can do is to lose myself in the most simple thing, like a child...I just want to stop thinking...to regain my strength and take a deep, almost meditative breath...and to move forward again, no looking back...

and then, I rise even more high, to heights undreamed of ...while the silences are so deafening, painful...all is gushing out like a wave...canalizing everything through me is strong, intense...too quick...my hands are wounded, I am drowning and trying to swim, stay on the surface, in the disproportion of wishes and possibilities, longings and reality...

but not to think is hard for me, opposite, upstream...I need a lot of strength for that...which source can I take it from?

'O god, why did you give me a heart that continuously longs for the distance and beauty of unseen places?...o god, why all the pain of the ever thirsty and ever conscious 'me'?'

...mirrors...

I've mentioned mirrors, our reflection in the eyes of others, our picture we see in their eyes...sometimes I think of the epithets with which I sometimes adorn myself so easily, which I give myself in some moments...I create a picture of myself, but, am I really like that? Or is this just the presentation of my idyllic shiny side, maybe me as I would like to be...once, when I grow up

As much as I want to look at people openly, purely...I still surprise myself. How can somebody really surprise me? And why? That means that I actually have some kind of picture, some expectations towards a certain person which are broken up by its actions, behavior...is this something I can get rid off in my life? Can we embrace something with a glance? Or will we forever just see a part?

My almond tree is beautiful when I look at it from the doorstep, I enjoy it...but I don't recognize it when I am come from the village. I know it is there, I suppose, it should be there...just, it looks different. The perspective has changed and it seems to have lost everything for which I know it, love it. But it's still the same old almond tree, that has been there for decades.
Do we do the same thing with people as well? Do we only see what we want to see? Do we want to be something we are not? Do we want others to be something they are not?

From within us it is possible to pull out so much that sometimes I am afraid of this wideness and infinity. How to cope with this whole specter? Different people, different approaches, they all awake in us different emotions, behaviors. And we usually surround ourselves with the mirrors that fit us. Is everything really so idyllic? Is it good for us? Or do we choose only the mirrors that show just our perfection, our good sides, one 'counterfeited' version of us?...do we go with the grain of our ego?...something we can endure without too much effort, without getting actively involved...in ourselves? Every medal has two sides. Do we know how to cope with our dark side? Should we do just the opposite? Should we surround ourselves with those brutal, distorted mirrors...mirrors that show the side that we would like to hide, maybe even pretend it doesn't exist (although we all know that we are not always peaches and cream)...so that we don't forget our dark side, that we stay aware of its eternal presence and those bad characteristics...

I am actually everything...insolent and polite, lethargic and energetic, rational and hysterical, warm and cold, boring and funny, cruel and gentle, brave and coward, strong and weak, curious and indifferent...I could make a long list...full of brusqueness, impudence, rage, wickedness, selfishness, envy and other negative things...I don't want them, but they are here, in me, present and I accept them as constituent part of me. Although, I have no time to live with them...anyhow, they are in me...every now and then they remind me they are here. But, aren't we all like that?...as how would we know that darkness is really darkness if it doesn't have a spot of light?...and then the measure of all this traits makes our personality...
how to behave then? How to tame the 'beast'? Can you train it consciously? And why do we forget so easily?
Always, as hard as it is being near people or in moments that awaken those unwanted, maybe even unacceptable things, we must know how to keep our balance, our equilibrium...know ourselves. It is easier to give wide breath to them, but...where does a life full of detours lead? Is getting to know ourselves as much as we can, getting to know our emotions the key to a good, quality life?

Anyway I think that all we run into in life has its meaning, its purpose...for our growth as human beings...no, we don't accept them always, sometimes we understand them less...but everything at the end comes to its place, something we need so much...go with the flow...with wide open eyes, hands, heart..can I do it?...and as much as it sounds familiar, it's still not easy to say it, let alone live it...probably it will never be
but if we don't live a large specter of our emotions, our possibilities, we actually suppress our 'awkward' parts, we live like a plant in a green house, in controlled conditions, we live just a part of us...and we know that the plants of nature, the wild plants (I can call them plants with a soul, real primal soul and 'knowledge' of the whole world) they survive extreme conditions much easier...and in these conditions they irradiate their energy, aroma, giving unselfishly...and they can survive with minimal needs, they withstand...they survive, always full of themselves...using and needing always all their possibilities

'Not taking what was given to you, is to punish yourself. Not acting when the time comes, is to destroy yourself.'

...I live in a big 'now', I forgot my past, I don't know the future...and although I don't know them anymore, I know, I feel that so many things I lived were so difficult for me...and that there are days when the amazon in me shuts up, hides, disappears or doesn't want to appear, had enough of everything and everybody...when I lose the grain of courage, craziness, spontaneity...and every time I think that I have reached my limits, that I can't take it anymore, that I'm choking, that I'm tired, very tired, too tired of everything, that I will turn into a rock for how hard I am...and now I realize that I have become even more soft, pliable and lighter...that I am a combination of everything...that I have all the beautiful things of this world in me and that I don't have to be scared...of myself...and the amazon reincarnates, in its full strength...and again I want to erase all the borders, the anchors that keep me stuck, restrain me, to be even more free, bold, better...readier to move forward

...weights...windmills...

being flexible, as life can at any time turn into an unexpected path...
but, let me go back to roles...
roles, feeling guilty...obligations, expectations...should I call all of it weights??
all of this chains us and weights are hanging from us, some heavier, some lighter, we put some on by ourselves, some others are being put on us on our way...is there a person with none? how would such a person be?
However...why do weights have only negative connotations? we bond ourselves with our weights, what we are...morally, socially, humanely...
each one of us in life plays and acts some role...consciously-unconsciously, some imposed by others, some self-imposed, sometimes we act less, sometimes more...simply, we don't show our real face...we don't even recognize it ourselves every time...just by belonging to a society, culture, we behave as expected by it...all that is unique in a person is denied and we drown in the masses...from the beginning we are subtly directed towards a way of specific expectations, roles and denying what we really are...it's hard indeed to lift the burdens of expectations towards others and ourselves...and when we don't fulfill our expectations, we live supposing and expecting something from somebody, and at the same time we don't want to be put into the same frames in which we so easily put others...
roles take over our lives, we live a matrix...we identify with this roles, we embrace them as an inseparable part of us and we accept as a dogma that our lives have meaning only through such an identification...easily forgetting that we are so much more than the things we identify with and how we proclaim ourselves...what do names, surnames and professions mean...do we become different, others if we change all of that (name, profession, address...)??
and then, in one moment, you see that your thoughts fly in so many directions, and that you can't relate just to the linear life that they are offering you, stating that this is the only possible and 'right' (we only miss they telling us that it's scientifically proven), not to be satisfied with that and if you are lucky enough, if you have courage= craziness to chose the byway to self-cognizance...when you know that you are traveling alone, rarely running into somebody, but you rejoice truly when you do so...the path where you choose the speed, even the direction because it is not different, it's like a highway others use...it's somewhere here, present, but indefinite (because everyone has its own) and allows interventions...you frequently stumble, you fall...and you have nothing to grab but yourself...while you have to function in the reality in which you exist bodily, physically, because, after all, you are just a person (to join the apparently incompatible, to conciliate this two disproportions, two worlds...actually, you learn that on your way, because nobody teaches you the infinite possibilities of life)...and then you partly start taking on roles on purpose, depending on the need...now you pay attention not to let the role take over your life and not to loose yourself on the way...and you know your essence is always present...regardless of all the losses-gains, when roles fall one after the other...it always here...omnipresent and permeating
yes, it's true that vanity and ego win over the real meaning of every loss, a lesson you get as a present...and every time you learn again, you recognize, you re-live, you survive and move on...a process that lasts as long as we do, when you keep learning all over again that it is still you...sometimes somewhat stronger, sometimes weaker...but YOU
vanity and ego that always undermine that core, they easily make you miss, wonder away...and you need to listen each time, keep learning, opening...
there you go, I've wandered away again, I wanted to say a thing or two about windmills...but, so much is bursting out that I've been asking myself for a while now 'is this me, too?'
so, you act out yourself the way others see you and perceive you, then you loose yourself somewhere along the way and you don't know anymore where the dividing line between you and your role is...and we take on roles as we put on clothes, depending on the occasion...you know what each situation presupposes and you just adapt...and you blame everybody else because you are miserable, unsatisfied, but you don't want to change because of your ego and vanity...the real truth is that we can only change ourselves and that the real treasure lies in accepting any person for what he truly is, unconditionally, without disapproval, changing, because we can only mold ourselves, get to know, wake up, direct...another utopia? The unconditional and all present weighing of relationships (who gives-takes more, works better-worse, correctly-wrongly...) and so on all life long...we are only humans after all...
and no matter where we live, in a 10-million city or in the country, we are all the same and the windmills (ooo...finally the windmills!!) are omnipresent..in us..but, why 'fight' (I don't like this word and I'm trying to avoid it because it makes me think of losing and winning-whereas in life there is no losing or winning, it's all part of the process) them?
Windmill will be windmills, we will be we and nothing we can do can transform the windmills into something else, not even move them by an inch...they have their role and purpose...can we, in our lives come to the point where we can accept them with love and wisdom as part of the organization of life??
it somehow makes sense to me to act on things that I can influence, I don't want to waste my energy on the ones that I can't influence, in vain, rooting the unrootable...when so many 'trifles' that are imploring to be noticed, I guess the forest makes us not see the trees...I can't influence the rain, it will or will not fall...I can just choose a colorful umbrella or a raincoat and...enjoy it...cease that moment of the day...
for our ego it is easier and makes more sense to spend life 'correcting' and 'pointing out' somebody else's mistakes and faults instead of looking into ourselves with that penetrating look that unveils us completely...
that brings us to the next question...who do we fear to be revealed/unrevealed to? others or ourselves?
...you need courage to look into yourself the way you really are and accept yourself as you are, regardless of the reflections of all the people (mirrors) that surround you and look at yourself with your own eyes, not with the eyes of others...
but this demands a new topic, on mirrors and reflections

...roles...

the sun burst out, the air changed...
hmmm roles, stakes, burdens??? changing is natural...the moment when we want to release and leave that little something that doesn't lift us anymore, doesn't satisfy us and find, take something new, different...something that helps us move a little further and that forces us to become a better person...idealistic? Maybe, but I like this line of thought...when you surround yourself with things and people that drag all those good things out of you...that you didn't even know you had, you could use...no matter if this makes you fit into the given frames...because anyone has its maximum potential and is happy if at the end of life can look back and realize that no matter all the 'mistakes', wrong decisions...(how can a decision be wrong when you always take them in the your best interest?...if you do something wrong, you must know how to look behind it, to the real reason...the saying 'you learn form mistakes' is not useless, and so...it depends on how long it takes to learn...maybe once, maybe all life long?)...lived a good life, right for yourself...but, let's go back to changes, even if I don't know how to recognize the right time for changes, expanding (the role)...reading the signs that I run into on my way...if I am bogged down for too long...that something will stop me with any means)...it's mine to learn to recognize as soon as possible...now I listen more often to the impulse that jells to me rather than whispers 'I want to do this'...I certainly hope that this is the pre-experiencial knowledge in my spirit, intuition... (or I'm screwed) anyway our limits are where we put them (I always put them closer – to be sure, but now I move them...I'm like a rabbit in a cabbage field)...we choke as much as we don't allow ourselves to breathe...once you venture high above the clouds where the sun always shines, it's difficult to settle for that kind of life, sterile and calculated...beneath, where you have to wait for...I don't know, God's mercy for the clouds to move apart, to enjoy the sun...you simply strive to be above them for as long as it gets, in the glare of the sun and to wait is not an option, but you act to achieve it...I don't state that we will not catch wrong flights in life, the ones that will not brake the clouds, or flights that will land very quickly...but nevertheless, I hope to catch as many as I can, longer or shorter...
I think that my strongest fear in life is this sterility and calculated living...my stake in life is my presence in it...because what kind of life is one that I don't give myself into because I fear that everything will disappear in due time...I learn every day not to think about the future as a picture where I should be...my every decision takes me a step forward and I always decide in my best interest...and see where it takes me...if a time comes when something specific disappears from my life I will be sad, I might want to die (like many times before)...but I will embrace that feeling, live through it and then let it go and move on
I can loose everything, but I don't want to lose myself again...I try to be true and honest to myself...now I do things just because I can, just like a child...and the learning process is never-ending and doesn’t allow us to lull into a false feeling of certainty

always be flexible...

...where am I going?...

this underhand question that takes me by surprise more and more frequently...than again? Can I be so impertinently immodest and want this kind of thoughts not to gush up? Do I have to or must I be happy with moments, days when I just don't care...no whats, no hows, no whys...moments so nice, unreal in their simplicity, carelessness...I would dive into them completely, in this sea of casualty, discovering, infantility, loose myself in each thing I do...breath through them, for them...forget all the limits...sometimes I manage...I live and experience such moments, days...but the traps keep getting more frequent...as if they fed on my energy and strength, keep getting stronger with it, they are proportional to each other...inseparable...

...how is this even possible? Shouldn't it be the exact opposite, that their power is lost by my power raising?
...we balance and move high...I'm repeating myself, but somehow it seem that we drain the essence of life undiluted, starting from small doses we acquire a taste for it and we need more, stronger...a medicine at the beginning turns into a poison at the end...maybe the answer lies in that...maybe this is the time when we need a new role, a time for change...when we start absorbing strength from some new things...actually, that doesn't sound nice...why would we absorb something? No, no...a time when we 'feed' our strength with something new...
but, it doesn't matter...the past doesn't scare me, I don't fear the future as well (mostly)...my new role is being built, I chose the elements that fit me...everything will fit into its place, whichever this is...
I quit building and projecting pictures in my head, living in an illusory future...now I'm drowning in some different worlds...my old role has been left four years ago...I'm still connected to it by some tentacles...I may never let go, maybe I shouldn't, but, they seem to be in the faraway past…
existential questions catch my awareness all the more often, but I was too much of an ant before not to give space to the cicada...but my implanted responsibility keeps rising objections all the more often, I feel it...more and more...my thoughts have become powerful, too powerful...I have to be careful what I wish for, that is something I'm still getting used to...I think I don't have dreams anymore...once I had a goal, now all it's left is a path...I don't even see it all the time, and whenever I think I'm not moving I look back...It's incredible how many miles are behind me...I mustn't fall into the trap of the question of what's waiting ahead...but one stupid moment is enough...I may see a butterfly flying by, I may see a raven in the crown of the almond tree...and I fall
and...why am I so demanding, when all I want is the simplicity of life...living my circle, my micro-worlds, my wholeness whatever it is...not yearn for my fullness outside it...derive pleasure from 'gifts', but not expect them...


' the most people find life too strong. That's why they can't live it without narcotics. It very hard to drink pure life. This makes some people become melancholic, or wild or makes them stumble. Only the strongest endure it without faking, with the genuine smell, only the strongest can live the invasion of intoxication soberly and purely. Do what you want. But you will always know that you have been scared. To be scared is to die. The same as to miss out. The same as never. Nevermore. Understand, never, nevermore.'

...yes, pure life is really too strong...I want to depart again...soon ;)

...children of yearnings and wishes...

I think it's time to try to put into words something about yearning...

...today I'll classify myself into something, after all...the group of oversensitive, emotional, yearning souls....this ungrateful but beautiful and unreal group

...yearning is a part of us, as we are part of yearning...one cannot exist without the other...we live for illusions and make-believe...I frequently wonder if I am brave enough...except that bravery now doesn't mean what they taught us it should...it doesn't mean to be a hero in the physical sense...
we are heroes of the heart...our bravery consists of braking with the well-established, building and living our dreams...anyhow, moving on...jumping off the cliff, flying in the clouds...sometimes this illusions brake, breaking us too, we fall into a deafening silence (I think this is our worst punishment in life), silence in which we must find ourselves all over again each time...and when we think that there is no more strength in us to continue, that every wish has disappeared, that yearning has abandoned us, the shadow unstitches...we stand up, we clean our knees and it starts to smolder...and then, from this silence words arise, thoughts, colors...and we take action again...

longing, yearning...our body is woven with it, it's woven into our code...its seed is part of us...we are its children, it is our mother and we are simply one...we don't exist without it, as it does not exist without us...unbreakably connected until our death...because it never dies...and a trace of yearning is always present in us...sometimes it takes us over beyond recognition, sometimes it shrinks into an insignificant, invisible spot, but it's always present here, in us...it is our divine

it is stronger than any fear of the unknown...it makes us knock down our shabby worlds, live our dreams, turn our lives upside down...and all because we want to 'live'...and it all boils down to the same 'lust for life...longing, yearning...no matter how it manifests itself into individuals, it is that something that's always present that drives us, pursues and doesn't let us rest in peace...even when we don't recognize it, we are destined to live by the edge, jump into life from the cliffs...actually, life for life or death...life on the edge is our life...that's our purport

yes, it's surprising how much, but I'm brave...we are brave...and if sometimes we want to give up everything, quit, we can't...and if we stray away from that path, deliberately or not, we always come back...because we don't know how to exist otherwise...because our paths are predetermined by it
we know that every shallowness and superficiality must have its depth and we search for it...whether we drown, fly or strive to touch the sun...searching is in our nature and we know, actually, we are convinced to the core, that something like that exists (when we doubt...when my earthly is against, my heavenly doesn't doubt)...because we have already experienced it...we maybe don't know when, but our deepest, our core is convinced of it...we used to be one with it and we want to experience this fullness, perfection and completeness again...all the recognized magic moments are actually only reflections of it (memories)...and so we bravely discard all the well-established things, the conventions, we walk the byway...and search...because we want more and we know it exists...after all, how can you miss something that you don't know exists?

And, no matter our broken and fulfilled illusions and dreams we will always be full of wishes, longings and yearnings...we will search all life long, because it is us...because our enthusiastic child's heart doesn't know how to live otherwise...because it is stronger than reason, stronger than us, then life...

...because we are searchers...children of yearnings and wishes...and who searches better than children?