this underhand question that takes me by surprise more and more frequently...than again? Can I be so impertinently immodest and want this kind of thoughts not to gush up? Do I have to or must I be happy with moments, days when I just don't care...no whats, no hows, no whys...moments so nice, unreal in their simplicity, carelessness...I would dive into them completely, in this sea of casualty, discovering, infantility, loose myself in each thing I do...breath through them, for them...forget all the limits...sometimes I manage...I live and experience such moments, days...but the traps keep getting more frequent...as if they fed on my energy and strength, keep getting stronger with it, they are proportional to each other...inseparable...
...how is this even possible? Shouldn't it be the exact opposite, that their power is lost by my power raising?
...we balance and move high...I'm repeating myself, but somehow it seem that we drain the essence of life undiluted, starting from small doses we acquire a taste for it and we need more, stronger...a medicine at the beginning turns into a poison at the end...maybe the answer lies in that...maybe this is the time when we need a new role, a time for change...when we start absorbing strength from some new things...actually, that doesn't sound nice...why would we absorb something? No, no...a time when we 'feed' our strength with something new...
but, it doesn't matter...the past doesn't scare me, I don't fear the future as well (mostly)...my new role is being built, I chose the elements that fit me...everything will fit into its place, whichever this is...
I quit building and projecting pictures in my head, living in an illusory future...now I'm drowning in some different worlds...my old role has been left four years ago...I'm still connected to it by some tentacles...I may never let go, maybe I shouldn't, but, they seem to be in the faraway past…
existential questions catch my awareness all the more often, but I was too much of an ant before not to give space to the cicada...but my implanted responsibility keeps rising objections all the more often, I feel it...more and more...my thoughts have become powerful, too powerful...I have to be careful what I wish for, that is something I'm still getting used to...I think I don't have dreams anymore...once I had a goal, now all it's left is a path...I don't even see it all the time, and whenever I think I'm not moving I look back...It's incredible how many miles are behind me...I mustn't fall into the trap of the question of what's waiting ahead...but one stupid moment is enough...I may see a butterfly flying by, I may see a raven in the crown of the almond tree...and I fall
and...why am I so demanding, when all I want is the simplicity of life...living my circle, my micro-worlds, my wholeness whatever it is...not yearn for my fullness outside it...derive pleasure from 'gifts', but not expect them...
' the most people find life too strong. That's why they can't live it without narcotics. It very hard to drink pure life. This makes some people become melancholic, or wild or makes them stumble. Only the strongest endure it without faking, with the genuine smell, only the strongest can live the invasion of intoxication soberly and purely. Do what you want. But you will always know that you have been scared. To be scared is to die. The same as to miss out. The same as never. Nevermore. Understand, never, nevermore.'
...yes, pure life is really too strong...I want to depart again...soon ;)
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