I face my cliffs, nodes, resisting the dragging and cutting with my own devices...trying to live by my beliefs...in the most difficult moments, I remember me telling myself ' I want somebody to give me directions! why am I so stupid? what is it I don't understand??...and then, I quit fighting, swimming against the tide...that was crucial - letting myself go, completely and no delays...but, it is so difficult to go on like that...not frantically holding on to quasi-important things, objects, people..because living like that...frantically...we fight against our life, ourselves...
it's morning, I am sitting in the garden, it's still cold, dewy...birds are singing as the sun is lazily creeping through the haze...I prepared myself some coffee, strong...I need it...
there is still a tear in the corner of my eye, the knot in my throat is slowly easing up...I cried, it has been I while...yesterday evening I remembered everything...not the things or the events, more the swirl of my feelings, emotions...me, as down to earth as it gets, I love footholds, am brought down by this intensive questioning... I run into an unknown light, jumped again from my cliff and I have been dragged into the depths...
phases, changes, pain, insight...
...am I sincere in my 'awakening'? how real is that???...there are innumerable question marks in front of me...I still doubt my 'shallowness', rethink my actions...are all my words just empty phrases?? are my eyes and heart really open and how much...or is this fake too like the fake glitter of LCD screens and mega, hyper stores that surround us in the fake reality...am I really like that or is this just how I present myself??? every new message discovers new cognition...I already said that I have always known all of that, I have always felt it...but, written, spoken words are heavier than thoughts...anyway, I can steer my thoughts in any direction, in this way they lead me to something that I have been avoiding consciously/unconsciously, forgetting, not seeing, not wanting to see...emotions start flowing...actually, the most difficult thing to do is to get our thoughts, words and actions to be real and part of the whole...
in life, some people will come to 50m of the end of the cliff and construct their life there, not knowing what's hidden around them...others will come to 10m and know that over the edge there is something unknown, but still chose to live in safety, glancing at the unknown expanse...there are some that come to the edge and decide not to live in fear (of themselves) and jump...into life
Of course I'm scared, but I have to reject any kind of unfounded fear and believe only in the primordial and intuitive that warns me of the real dangers...
this peeling myself like an onion, rejecting one layer after another, to come deeper, to the heart, to the spring...and look, I have passed a long time ago my imaginary limit of written communication...could it be I've grown after all?? :(
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